The Biggest Problem In The Snail Mail Community

There is an issue that's been plaguing the Snail Mail Community since I jumped back into it as an adult. For some reason, there seems to be this unwritten rule (maybe that pun was intended........) that if you agree to be pen pals with someone it is a life binding contract and it can't ever be broken. -Well, I'm here to tell you that's not true!

I look at pen pals as a hobby, yes, but also in terms of real life relationships. After all, the hobby does require you to interact with people, even if it's not face-to-face. In our "real life" (as so many snail mailers put it) or our lives off the stationery paper, we have all types of different relationships- Family, Friends, Colleagues, Acquaintances, Significant Others, etc. With the exception, perhaps, of those who are in a serious monogamous relationship, the varying actions we use for these relationships varies.

Among all these different types of people we have in our lives, very few of them are actually considered friends, let alone a "best friend". We may chat with our colleagues or (if you're still young) school mates, but we don't hangout with most of them outside of those parameters. Even when it comes to family, for most of us, we're not super close to every person we're related to, nor do we want to talk to them all the time. I mean, let's be real for a minute, how many times have you said something like: "Oh, I have so much to do I can't talk right now" or just didn't answer your phone when an aunt or cousin calls you? -You don't have to answer that, by the way, I'm not here to judge. My point is: we all have people in our lives we want to spend time with and those we don't want to spend a lot of time around, and then there are the people we avoid altogether!

In order for us to figure out who we want to spend time with and who we don't, we have to first actually spend some time around them. - Unless, you're super judgy! Don't be that person! - To further prove my point in all of this, I'm just going to ask: How many people have you spoken to or spent time with in a social situation and decided this person is not someone you want to associate with or spend time with?

Example: You walk into a dinner party and have to pick a seat. You see someone from work/class that you know and think- I'll sit by them, they've always seemed cool, and by the end of the night you've realized you would rather not sit by them again.

Now let me ask you this: After you assess that a person is not someone you want to talk to much anymore or hang out with anymore, do you feel obligated to spend the rest of your life talking to them?

The answer for most of us in most situations is "No". We simply just stop talking to them. We may acknowledge their presence with a "hello" or "how are you", but we don't ask them to lunch. In some cases we're able to just shut them out of our lives completely and we won't take two seconds to think about them. Take it from someone such as myself who has moved a lot, distance does wonders! But for some reason in the Snail Mail Community the overall thought is the opposite. We have this looming imaginary contract that we hold over our own heads that falsely binds us to anyone we've ever written to and because we do this to ourselves we end up resenting these people and sometimes even hating the pen pal hobby. I can't blame them, because no one wants to have to do something they dread and a hobby isn't fun anymore when it becomes an obligation.

However, when we let go of these unrealistic ideologies that "everyone in the Snail Mail Community loves everyone else" we will feel so much better about the original thing set out to do -which is writing to learn and connect with people who do have similar interests!

Now don't misinterpret any of what I said as me bringing malice to the Snail Mail World. I'm simply saying that the reality in the Snail Mail World and our Every Day World are not different, and in both cases we will encounter people that we slowly figure out are not meant to be in our lives all the time. I believe in closure and if you are going to break it off with someone you should do the right thing and let them know, whether it is by email, messenger, or a letter/postcard. There's no need to be rude, either. Simply saying something like- "We don't have much in common." or "I'm not quite vibing with you." is a good start.

Oh, and if you are one of the people who happen to receive a goodbye letter, don't get discouraged. Chances are you probably felt the same way. Vibes and interests are usually mutual and if they're not it is usually felt by both parties. Even if it is a shock to you, remember, the ocean is vast and there are plenty of fish in it! You wouldn't want to force someone to make you their obligation....... So, let them move on and you do the same, and take with you the solace that there are always people willing to write and you just have to find the ones that fit your style.